I don't want to hate you!

It was never a good memory. Even if I see one, it's attached to some bad memory. It's said that one can't hate someone unless s/he love that person; but love is the person's quality who is loving, and not of the beloved. We went to Puri, to complete my mother’s mannat at Jagannath temple. It was the third day of my marriage in puri, on the return from the temple my new wife suddenly went to reception and asked for another room. I paid money at reception for the new room, and I don’t want to force anything on her. This started my parents to panic, and they said they will return, leaving us alone. She created a ruckus at the hotel. The next day morning, she went to the beach alone, but I just followed. My mother called her for breakfast, but she denied it. Later, when my mom said, they will call her parents than she came back and said, she won’t eat oily stuff and needed cornflakes. I even arranged for the same. I planned to return to Ranchi, as we had plans for Asansol. But she said, she will go to Asansol. We went to Deoghar for a visit to Satsang and my sister’s son Mundan. One morning at Deoghar hotel, I tried kiss-waking up my partner to get a tight slap in the face. That day I received 4 slaps and on the other hand, I am receiving a call from my mother, "why aren’t you coming, are you a wife’s puppet"? Nevertheless, she blamed things on her period that day and by the way, it was me who washed her blood from the bed. In the end, she was saying that her friend was telling her that I was making fun of her period before my family. On the last day, she came back to my room and said sorry, and things went normal and went back to Asansol. We had planned our trip to Char Dham from Asansol. She behaved ideally in Char Dham. She was annoyed at times because of the early wake-up and even cried when my father told her to wake up early. On our last day in Rishikesh, my mom asked her to buy gifts for her house, but she denied it. Later, when I asked personally, she said, she didn’t have money and that she has given some for the trip to mom when asked. I asked my mom personally if she should just give me some money in her hand. When they were searching for ATM, she got the idea that I have told my mom about our discussion and started shouting at me. She said, I’m aged, and I should marry someone of my age in front of everyone at the store. My parents tried to calm her down, but she was adamant. At the station, she sat on a different seat than my parents and when I tried to sit next to her, she told a guy not to move from beside her, yet I manage to just sit next. On the train, she went to a different berth saying she went for a charger when the plug point was even in our berth. She started shouting at me that I should do a second marriage, in front of everyone on the train. On arrival at Ranchi, we thought she would stay but she told me on the train that she wants to directly go to her parents. My mother agreed and requested her siblings to come and take her. When they arrived, my mother was told everything that has happened with a heavy heart. She started crying and we went to her house as a married couple, but she was angry at me saying, I tell everything to my mother. I told her, that I never told them anything bad and that I’ll try not to tell. After a couple of days, I returned but she didn’t. Meanwhile, I sent even my sister to bring her, when I was sick, but when she came, she started to mock me. At midnight, she came to me and beat me saying she would have slept better at home and didn’t let me sleep for a while at midnight. The following morning, she went to her lab and my father offered to leave her at a bus stop. After some time, she did return, but only my mother used to live with me this time. But fast forward a few weeks, she again beat me on the pretext that I’ve ruined her life and Ritwik would have been better. The next day morning, we had the plan to go to her house for fathers’ day, but I denied going and stopped taking calls from her parents’ home. My mother intervened and ordered me to go by asking her sibling to pick me up. I didn’t say anything about the beating to either her family or my parents this time. When we returned to attend my father’s ISM alumni meet, my father stayed over. I went to the drawing room to sleep, but she grabbed me with my collar, closed the door and started beating me because of the ruckus I created. That day she beat me for three hours and when I cried, she covered my mouth and she threaten that she will kill herself if I tell my parents. In the end, she just hugged me and told me the matter is sorted. On the third day, she went to her lab early morning. It was Bharat band and my sister said she didn’t go to her lab, instead her parents' house. I said I don’t want to hear this, so what if she went to her parent's house? She said, they never stopped her from going but she should at least tell the truth about where she is going. She gave me a number to ask the CUJ security guard about the bus. The security guard said that the bus didn’t come, and he later accepted he was wrong. She video-called me, and I showed my parents that indeed she was in CUJ. Overall, she got angry with my parents and threatened that she will come and beat me, over which I tripped and shouted at my parents. My sister took offence and went to the office. As I was going back home from my sister’s house, I felt fear of staying with her alone and I came back to see my mother saying, she wouldn’t stay with me ever. It was at that moment I told my family everything about domestic violence. I requested my parents and sister to go to her house and tell their family, about it. I had to go to the doctor and was prescribed anxiety medication and sleeping pills. With the fear of future abuse, my parents fixed the CCTV camera at our home. The girl came back with the family crying and begging to be united. Her father asked her to give a promise on his head to not beat. She stayed back and started behaving ideally. She even ate chicken, being vegetarian. I was still fearing and wasn’t ready to be together so booked tickets to Bangalore. My sister was like she will eat potty if you say, take her to Bangalore with you and she started scolding me like anything. I still went. After landing in Bangalore, my anxiety increased and I thought, I’m doing something wrong to leave her so early in my marriage. A couple of weeks later my parents came to Chennai and brought me back. I came on the condition that we go for marriage counselling. They left us alone at home. She was behaving ideally, until one day, I saw her phone and saw pictures of I love Virkeshwar, just a month before we met and got engaged. I went to her and asked if the marriage was forced on her. Upon which she again beat me, on the pretext that she promised to only not slap. Later she took my phone and went to my parent's room to post-mortem my phone. I gave her my passcode. After a few minutes, she saw a video of me seeing porn (which was an online phishing attack). I explained everything, yet she packed her clothes and went outside on road for catching a train. I followed her. She stopped the auto and wanted to get in and I requested not to. Upon which people gathered and she started saying that I was trying to kill her dad. Even the police came by to intervene and finally I gave up, I returned home, and she accompanied me. But she got conscious this time as her father told her, I had a single scratch, he will do whatever he wanted. I was so fearful, that I closed myself up inside the door but she beat the door wildly with a chair. I had to open it, and she took my phone and went to her college. I thought, telling my parents didn’t help, this time I’ll see without telling. But one day my sister asked me about the scratch on the door and I just texted her that she is asking. Somehow she assumed, I told her everything. That day, despite receiving her with a kiss she was trying to fight and this time, I was like, she is beating me because I’m not fighting back. So, whenever he beat me, I gave her some punch back. But of course, mine would be harder. There was a time when she would miss throwing chappals at me and I wouldn’t count that. But she never stopped, and I had to call her parents and begged to them to come so that fight could stop they said they are coming but they didn’t. At last, all the neighbours called my parents to come and look for the fighting. They video-called us and asked us to switch on the video camera. She pretended to be become normal, over which they went back to sleep. A few minutes later, she again switched off the cameras and started beating me and the neighbour furiously called my parents to come. They finally came and she stopped fighting. I wore a full shirt so that my parents don’t see my bruised and she did the same. I asked her to tell my parents everything, and only then I’ll take her to the UK; to which she told me, if I said, she wouldn’t be able to come with me to the UK. My parents were already against me taking her and so I decided to keep silent. She told my parents that I always shout at her and all. Later my mom found my broken chain, yet she just agreed to what she said. We caught the train to New Delhi that day and she was hugging my parents and crying that they stay with them. After the train left, she went to another person’s seat and slept. I was so terrified that, when another person asked me to move her, I asked him to tell her instead, but then I made the move. Seeing I made the bed in the middle seat, she asked me to move up, as her name was for that seat. I took the bed and moved up. In the morning, she started scratching me, saying I have created bruises all over her body. I said, even I have and I felt bad after beating her and I’m not that person. She kept on beating her so much that a person on the side, started making her video and asked her to behave, over which she said I being an NRI make sex videos of her to sell on the internet and who else puts the camera in bedroom and shouted at them to keep quiet. A lot of people, including travel attended signalled me to come and meet them yet I ignored them. The train was late and the whole time she was curing me for it. She told me, it was my parents who created friction between us and that she will not be like this in the UK, and said I should never allow my parents to come over there or else she will beat me. At that time, I told her, if she beat me, despite my parents not being in the UK, I would not tolerate and she waved off as if that is the reason. As the train become late, she started scolding me that I would have booked a flight for my family and upon reaching Delhi, she said, she will stay at the station, and I would too. I tried everything but she didn’t agree to go. At last, she said, to fell on my feet to ask and I did that too. She said she fell for at least 15 min in front of me. I said, I never asked her to, and I just needed time to overcome my fear of her. A lady beside her told, her not to take sin from her husband and she agreed to go. On reaching the hotel she was again furious but then she managed to hug our differences and I did so, as I was feeling bad about beating her and I promised myself that I’m not that person and I’ll not engage in such beating which I fear was life-threatening for me. She was not ideal at the layover airport in Qatar, which I told her already, yet I oversee all those things and my sister in Birmingham came to receive us in Manchester, and I went to Glasgow to search for a house. Upon house confirmation, I took back her to our new house. Things were ideal for a week until one day I saw the moving darling and fear kicked in. I told her I’m not feeling bad and let’s go to the city. She said, she would go only if I said I love you to her. I said, I just saw the movies and things are very green and how can I say now? She started saying that Ritwik would have been a better husband and then asked me again and in reply, I said, ‘I love Akrishta,’  to which she went to bed and apparently went to sleep. After some time, I went out and told her that I’m going. While in the city centre, I received her call saying where am I? I said I’m in the city centre and will return now but it will take time as I’m walking. She became angry, started scolding me and said, she didn’t do anything and I’m behaving like this, and in return, she will start beating me. I said to her, I just went out to clear my mind, and I have not treated her badly and would never do ever. She constantly started calling and nagging and upon return, threw me on the bed and started scratching. I didn’t fight back as I already promised myself not to do it again. After some time, she became conscious that she has done something wrong and started taking the phone from me. I didn’t take any action and was somehow able to convince her that I’m not going to do anything about informing them and went to sleep. We didn’t eat that night. The next day morning, she followed me to my lab. I took her to a canteen for food. As I was returning to walking, she left aback and she called my eldest sister that I’m walking, rather than the bus, and when she called me, I said that I’m doing so because she beat me last night. My sister asked her to stay in a different room till she come. She didn’t and came to my room and try to hug out and I said, just hugging won’t solve a problem like she used to do at the end of 2 continuous night beating in Ranchi. The next day morning at 6 am, she just kicked me out of bed and said I deserve it. I beg for sleeping more as we slept very less last night, yet she didn’t agree. Next, I called my sister, and she called her back. While she was busy talking, I dressed and went to my lab. From the lab, I requested my sister to come on the same day. At night she came and separated us into two rooms. After 2 days, she organised a meeting to give each other a second chance, on the condition that she doesn’t beat me ‘in any form.’ She said, she stopped slapping and biting, next thing, she will stop is scratching but can’t control herself when triggered. My brother-in-law said, there is always going to be fought between husband and wife and if that triggers you, physical violence can be life-threatening and so she must stop any violence in any form and she can even throw a glass and say, she didn’t promise for that. She didn’t agree. The next day, she came over and said she agreed not to do violence in any form, but when my brother-in-law asked to record it, she denied it. After a while, my sister got conscious that why she is not able to understand this simple thing. I called her dad and told him about her beating even in the UK when my parents are not there. Her dad said that I took her to the UK and so I should return her and he can transfer money for the ticket, which I denied. Meanwhile, my PhD was not over yet, and this caused an issue and I planned our return to India. I needed to wait a while to sort this issue and so my sister asked her to go to Birmingham for a while, as things are not sorted. From there they went to India.